Crushed Like Ice
by Tastes-Like-Fry
Summary: James is like Ice in Lily's hands. She can crush him with her fingers, but when she opens her palm, she is bleeding as well. How can things be made right between them again?
1. Murderer

**Crushed Like Ice**

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Author's (extensive) note

For those who are slightly confused, this was going to be a part of a bigger story. I had to cut it down, for it would be just as big as the Harry Potter series itself. This part is set in James and Lily's sixth year.

Just a touch of backstory; a year before James received a letter to declare his parents dead, but the bodies were never found. Lily knew that, so why did she still treat him like he the little chauvinist he was in fourth year?

_A note of WARNING; there is an act of depression induced, suicidal self-hurt in the first chapter._

I don't own Harry Potter

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_**I don't want to be the murderer**_

James Potter wasn't ever going to ask her out again. She had crushed him. She had seen it in those captivating hazel eyes of his. And yet, instead of satisfaction, she felt riddled with a burning guilt.

Lily knew she shouldn't have insulted his mother, which was low for anyone. But how was she to know it had been recently discovered that his parents were not dead but in fact in St. Mungos for rehabilitation from a years' worth of torture from the rising Lord Voldemort? She didn't, and when he explained to her, his voice breaking as he angrily shouted at her, she had felt very small as she realised the venom in her words.

His emotions were torn, and not only had she reopened old wounds, she had created new ones. She hadn't only ripped his heart open; she had thrown it into the dirt and stomped on it. He had been looking to find solace with her, and instead he found a monster.

Lily curled up on her bed in fear. The last look James had given her was one she never wanted to see again. His eyes dark and brimming with tears of hurt and anger, and now she was wondering if was going to have nightmares because of that last lingering look.

She had become what she was against. She was a bully, and she had brought an ally down to his knees and sucked the life out of him.

Lily got up from the bed, pushing all her thoughts to the back her mind. She needed to escape from it all for a little while, and while skipping Arithmacy was not really advisable at this level of schooling, she felt as if a walk around the lake would be more productive than attending a class.

---

James sat, staring at his paper and yet he could not read. The mornings' events kept churning around in his head. Lily's menacing expression burned into the back of his eyelids. Tears stung at the back of his eyes but he blinked them away. He was not weak, he refused to cry.

'You alright?'

James screwed up his face. Why is it that when someone asks you that you lose all control? 'I'm fine.' James choked.

'Liar.' Remus scorned him gently. 'You need to go…'

'I'm fine.'

'James.'

'Leave me alone.' James scowled at the report he was meant to be reading.

'You shouldn't be here.' Remus said gently.

'Where then? Where am I meant to be? I'm not going back to bed, I refuse to go to the hospital wing, I'm not going back to Evans to see if she's changed her mind, I'm not even allowed to go and see mum and dad!' James was yelling now, not that he cared, for at the mention of Evans his heart had given a terrible heave and tears ran freely.

Ashamed and angry, he fled from the room.

'Don't worry.' A relieved Remus told the bewildered teacher. 'I've been waiting for him to snap. He'll appear again at some point this afternoon.'

James collapsed onto his knees in the safety of the hidden space in the lily bush and fully let himself to his tears. The return of his parents, the idea of them physically and mentally unstable, the fight he had with Dumbledore, the fight with Sirius, the fight with Lily...

James felt miserable. What he wouldn't do for a casket of firewhiskey to drown himself in.

_That's not healthy._ A little voice in his mind spoke up.

'I don't care.' James said bitterly.

_Neither's talking to yourself_.

'Well then shut up.'

_Make me._

James glared at himself. (How he managed to, only he knows.) He drew out his wand and gazed at it as a few small sparks emitted from the end of it.

_What do you think you're doing with that?!_ His conscious seemed to yell at him, in a voice that was scarily similar to Remus', as he lowered his wand to his wrist, unwrapping the piece of material that was hiding his old scars.

'Doing something I should have done a long time ago.' He answered, cringing as pain seared through his arm.

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Read and Review? It's a bit morbid I know, but it gets better from here =3


	2. Frozen

**Crushed Like Ice**

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Author's note

There's not much to say really… other than thanks for the reviews!

I don't own Harry Potter

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_**I don't want to wait and do nothing**_

James lay feeling somewhat stupid as he stared at his poor mangled arms. He was screwed up again. Had he ever been alright? His love for Evans' had been his absolute driving force when his parents disappeared, and now all hope was gone?

Hope was never to end. What sort of person was he if he gave up? James fumbled his wand as he tried to repair the damage that had been done. Left handed wand work was definitely tricky, medical charms were even harder.

He managed to stop the bleeding which was good as he'd prefer not to die from blood loss, but the cuts remained, fragile and sore. He gently laid them on the cold snow to soothe them.

'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' He muttered, tapping on the marauder's map to see if he had a clear path to the hospital wing. He didn't, the classes had just been let out for lunch and the corridors were packed with students.

He gave a groan. He felt cold now. He had left his winter cloak draped over the chair in muggle studies and the thin school one was not giving him much warmth, especially since he had lost a fair amount of his blood.

He spread the map out, watching as all the students made their way to the hall.

He caught sight of his friends, searching frantically in their dorm, (most likely looking for the device that was in his hands at that moment). James squirmed with guilt as they obviously gave up and began combing the common room and corridors as they made their way to the hall, stopping every now and then to ask if someone had seen him.

James had to come back at some point soon or they would think the worst. _And they had right to think that_, James thought as he looked miserably to gashes on his arms. Everything seemed to come back on him. It was always his fault, he made it so.

He traced paths on the map absentmindedly as he waited, shivering as he was half frozen from lying on the snow. He watched his finger as it lazily followed an Augustus Mulciber, Thomasai Avery and a bunch of Slytherins he didn't know as well make their way to the lake.

He prodded each and every one of them, imagining squashing them like ants to keep his mind off the cold.

However, he hesitated uncertainly as the group made their way to a lone dot moving slowly by the lake labelled Lily Evans.

James debated whether it was worth his attention, Evans had said quite numerous times that she was capable of looking after herself, and even James couldn't deny that she could pull off some useful defence spells that even seventh years could struggle with.

Little words appeared as a battle broke out. Spells – mainly harmless ones, but when a little speech bubble appeared next to Avery with the word '_Crucio_' on it, suddenly everything in James' world was put on hold. How _dare_ they hurt her!

James leapt to his feet without a second thought. He left the map, exited his hiding place and ignoring the sudden gasps of people witnessing him leaping out of the bush, he tore towards the lake.

-

Lily Evans screamed as pure pain ripped through her. She felt as if on fire, as if a thousand nails ripped into her flesh at once. A moment later she was face down on the cold snow, her wand barely in her grasp.

She lifted a shaking hand. '_Reduc-_'

'_Expelliarmus_!'

Lily gave a cry as her weapon flew out of its grasp.

'Filthy mudblood. _Crucio_!'

Lily writhed on the ground, screaming.

-

'I'm coming, Lily!' James was almost blinded by tears of rage. He sprinted to the group of Slytherins standing, laughing, jeering at the suffering redhead as she sobbed pathetically, face down in the snow.

-

_I'm going to die._ Lily thought with horror. _I haven't apologized to… _'Potter…?' Lily blinked, disbelieving.

James was bearing down on them, she could see through the legs of whoever was standing in front of her.

_I'm saved!_ She thought, for the mere second before she was seized by the scruff of her neck and pulled to her feet.

'Back off or I'll kill her!' Mulciber's wand was suddenly pressing on Lily's neck.

James skidded to a halt, his wand held before him. 'Let her go!'

'She's nothing, Potter, don't waste your time.'

'If she means nothing to you then why are you wasting yours?'

Mulciber seem to weigh his suggestion seriously. 'You're right, Potter…' he started.

Lily felt her feet suddenly go heavy. She tried to talk, to warn him, but Mulciber had tightened his grip on her throat and all she could concentrate on was breathing.

'She's not worth my time… _Launchivalt!'_

Lily felt her stomach drop as the cold wind whipped past her. The only thing she knew was that Mulciber was no longer holding onto her. She opened her eyes, which had been holding tightly shut before, and the last thing she saw was the half-frozen surface of the great lake rushing towards her.

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I love the art of cliff hangers, don't you? xD Will update soon

Sorry for the short chapter! Next one will be longer, I promise!


	3. Breathe

**Crushed**

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Author's note

Sorry it took so long to update, I was away for the weekend. Thanks for the reviews and faves!

I don't own Harry Potter

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_**So cold yet so warm, so wrong yet so right**_

'No!' James launched himself at the lake. Shoving the other Slytherins out of the way and deflecting their spells, James ran straight through them and without a second thought plunged into the freezing cold lake.

The other Slytherins looked at each other, gave a nervous laugh and then, like the cowards they were, ran.

James gasped. Merlin, the lake was freezing! However, he had a mission. He didn't remember how he'd managed to get so far already, he didn't remember casting the bubble head charm, nor did he realise he had lit his wand until he realised how dark it was.

Adrenaline pumping in his ears, he kept his eyes wide open as he swam further into the depths. Mulciber had launched Lily a decent way and it was a few minutes until James spotted her red hair, bright against the dark murky waters.

He swam towards her, panic rising in his chest as she, anchored by her feet, and was limp and paler than one should be.

'_Relashio!_'

Lily's feet were suddenly free from whatever spell had held her there, and with James clinging to her frail frame, they shot up in the water with the assistance of a spell.

Pushing the ice aside, James carefully towed Lily to the shore. He lifted her out and laid her down on the snowy ground.

'Lily?' James gently slapped her pale face. 'Come on, Evans… please?' He tried to seek a pulse on her neck and couldn't find one. 'Wake up?' he rasped as he tried not to panic.

He whipped his glasses off and held them to her slightly parted lips. Nothing.

Tears escaped his own eyes as he grappled for his wand. '_Enervate!_'

Lily lay cold, unresponsive.

'_ENERVATE! APPENDATITA! PULSESATI! _Breathe! Come on Lily! I don't know any more!' James racked his brains, something was in that report that he had tried to read ten times over this morning.

In an instance the words that he hadn't seen when he had been reading was suddenly bright in his memory. James leapt to his knees beside Lily and gently parted her lips further to see inside her mouth. Her lungs were full of water.

Mentally crossing his fingers that this muggle method would work, James gently rolled her to her side. The water flowed out of Lily's mouth and James rolled her back. He tilted her head and, wishing for another reason to be giving her 'CPR', he breathed for her.

-

Dumbledore watched, astounded to see James Potter emerging from the lake pulling a very lifeless Lily Evans with him. He watched, confounded, while James sought a way to bring her back.

Dumbledore snapped back into reality very hard when James had to resort to a muggle technique and as James started pumping to get Lily's system going again, he quickly gathered his largest winter cloak, and a bottle of fire whiskey.

The Professor hurried down the steps, startling some third years on their way to Divination. He stopped the Head Boy, Frank Longbottom, making a quick stop to the boy's room, to momentarily give directions to get assistance.

-

'Evans… Lily… come on precious, breathe for me.'

Lily frowned. Why was Potter's voice in her head? She tried to turn over to get in a better position to sleep, but she found she couldn't move. In fact she couldn't even feel anything except cold and heaviness, her chest throbbing with pain. She could feel the pain creeping up to her head and she groaned inwardly. She didn't feel like she could deal with a head ache at the moment, nor a cold. She tried to switch off to the pain.

'Come on, don't give up!'

Why was Potter sounding so distressed? Like someone on the verge of tears?

Ouch! What was that…? Ow! The throbbing in her chest became harder and harder.

Suddenly, Lily could feel everything and no longer was she worried about the pain in her chest. A warmer mouth enclosed hers, breathing into her. Thank Merlin for sweet, life-giving air. Thank Merlin that James was willing to give it.

Lily choked as soon as James' lips were no longer pressed to hers. Choking into his mouth would, while he probably wouldn't have cared, not have been attractive.

'Lily!' Relief flooded though James as he helped a coughing Lily roll over as she emptied the foreign contents from her lungs and stomach.

'James.' She weakly whispered, suddenly shivering as she came crashing to reality and the freezing conditions around them.

He had saved her life. After all the horrible things she had said to him that morning, he still cared.

Lily felt so weak. She was numb from the cold and sore from not breathing for the last few minutes. She barely had enough energy to raise her head – although she didn't need to. James had cupped her face with his gentle hands and lifted her head so her eyes meet hers.

Lily felt her heart break at his expression, so full of concern, his brow lined with worry, his hazel eyes warm with… love?

The sight of James Potter distorted as tears welled in Lily's eyes. She pushed his hands away and buried her head into one of his broad shoulders, clinging to his already wet shirt as she dissolved into tears.

Startled, James was nearly knocked flat on his back, but he quickly recovered.

'Easy, sugar.' He said gently, enveloping her in his arms. 'It'll be alright, precious, the big bad guys are gone.'

Lily gave a weak laugh, but James never heard it for it was disguised among her sobbing.

He absentmindedly stroked the back of her head as he rocked, murmuring little comforting words and noises in her ear as her body shook with a mixture of shock, cold and sobs.

She paused momentarily. James, although his body temperature had been just as cold as hers, she had been quite comfortable with how James had been holding her, but now something was different, something was wrong.

James had stiffened and had started shaking, trying to hold down what was rising in his throat, but he didn't succeed and it escaped in blurting coughs.

Lily had never heard such a horrible sound, James' breath had been raspy before, but the cough that suddenly had spurted in his chest sounded lethal.

It stopped as soon as it had started, but Lily was worried for him – he sounded as ill as she felt.

'James.' She murmured quietly, too quietly, it had just come out as an odd sounding noise and before she knew it she was crying again, turning her head further into his neck. James buried his own face into her neck so they were cheek to cheek. Lily could feel his cold nose against her ear. His shaky breath on her neck.

'We should get out of…'

'… the cold?' James chuckled, which resulted in another throat ripping cough.

'Save your voice, James.' Lily said worriedly.

'It's going to go anyway.' James sighed.

A moment passed as the breeze picked up. They shivered simultaneously.

'We should probably go inside.'

'We should.'

'I can't feel my legs.'

'Well, as much as I would love to carry you Evans…' James broke off as the cough represented itself. Lily clung to him as he shook violently from the fit, afraid that he would shake apart.

'Sorry.' He croaked weakly.

'Don't be.' Lily mumbled back as equally weak. 'I'm the one who should be sorry.

What I said to you, it wasn't right.'

Lily felt James give a slight jerk. Frowning she held him as tightly as her cold arms would let her. He jerked slightly again and with a twang of her heart she realised he was crying. He was silently trying to hold it in, to be strong for her. She lost it again, tears poured down her own cheeks, mingling with his own tears at the point where their cheeks rested against each other.

'Evans, Potter?'

'Professor Dumbledore?' James' racked again, this time his coughing fit lasting for more than ten seconds.

Lily lifted her head, or rather turned it as it was James' shoulder that was holding it up for her in the first place.

Dumbledore was unfolding his great winter cloak and with a small encouraging smile at the surprised but pale face of Lily Evans he wrapped them up as they clung to each other.

'Miss. Evans.' Dumbledore offered her a large spoon of a firewhiskey. Lily's sore, cold, cracked lips weakly sipped at the gloriously warm liquid. Lily's eyes dropped and Dumbledore gently laid her head back onto James' shoulder.

'Mister Potter?'

James reluctantly looked up, regarding the headmaster with bleary eyes. He allowed to be spooned the firewhiskey, the substance burning warmth into him, and he felt the darkness closing in.

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**A/N: **Firewhiskey works faster than Pepper-up potion or chocolate. Besides, it's what Dumbledore had on hand :B Certainly pays to know CPR ;D


	4. Avoid

**Crushed**

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Author's note

I am terribly sorry for my absence/hiatus and leaving you all on a limb like that.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (What?! I'm only 14 days late)

I don't own Harry Potter

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_**This could have been avoided, but I'm glad it wasn't**_

Lily didn't remember passing out, but she definitely wished she had waited a little longer before she had woken up. Her whole body was tingling and ached from having been thawed so quickly. She groaned as she tried to move.

'Easy, Lily.'

'Mum?' Lily's eyes cracked open, peering through the glary light.

'Shh, hun, you've been through a great deal.'

'Where's James?'

Last thing Lily remembered was being wrapped up in his strong, comforting arms. His cold nose nuzzling her ear. His neck and shoulder supporting her heavy head.

'Who?'

'James Potter.'

Lily's mother looked at her startled. 'Potter' was the boy she continually complained about when she was home last. How she wished he would leave her alone. But now she was asking for him?

'I don't know – what's he got to do with this?'

'He saved my life.' Lily choked, welling up with tears again. 'I was drowning and he rescued me.'

'Easy, Lily. – Nurse?!'

A person appeared from behind a curtain, but it was not the nurse.

'Madam Pomfery's going to have a rest – something she hasn't had since she…'

'I don't care, my daughter's in distress and you're wizards are you? Give her something to relax!'

The boy chuckled and walked fully into the enclosure. 'As much as I would love to, I don't think I am allowed to give Evans anything.' He pulled up a chair and sat on the opposite side as her. 'I think it would help, Mrs. Evans, if you calmed down.'

Mrs. Evans stared at the boy in disbelief, but was not able to get a word in as Lily was busting to talk to the boy. 'Black, where's Ja- Potter?'

'He's in bed recovering like you.' Sirius gently patted her arm. 'Don't worry about him, he'll be alright.'

'Can I see him?'

'You need to get better first.'

'I am better!'

'Prove it.'

Lily suddenly found she couldn't move anything other than her arms and even then it was futile as she found her muscles had turned to mush. She gave a weak cry and suddenly Sirius was back by her right and her mother by her left and they lowered her further into the blankets.

'The more you rest the sooner you can get out of here.' He said, tucking her in. 'I just want you to do one thing for me.'

'What?'

'Tell me what happened.'

-

Lily had a few visitors within the next few days after her mother had left. Dumbledore came in a couple of times as did McGonagal and Slughorn.

Mulciber and Avery were forced by Slughorn to visit and apologise, even though it was half-hearted.

She got visits from the girls every lunch time and in the afternoons. They weren't able to stay very long as Madam Pomfery appeared and shooed them away as they were too noisy.

What surprised her though was Sirius checking up on her quite frequently. He brought her things too, not homework like the girls or Remus sometimes did, but things like flowers, chocolates, and a cute black teddy bear to 'keep her company at night'.

When she asked him why, he simply asked back 'Are you complaining?' and made to take her teddy bear away.

'No! Not Pads!' Lily wrenched her present away from him.

'Pads?'

Lily flushed slightly. 'Pads… as for Padfoot?'

Sirius turned slightly pink, but he looked pleased. 'Get better soon, I prefer you when you're not so delirious.' He patted her affectionately on the head before making his way out.

Lily looked at the place where Sirius had disappeared before looking down to the bear. She understood now why girls tended to drool over him. It wasn't just down to looks, (although they played a big part,) Sirius had his own ways of showing affection. It may not have been tactful, but he had definitely shown heart.

Lily mildly wondered if it had anything to do with James telling him what to do. But she dismissed that. James would have done things much differently.

She snuggled into the warm covers with 'Pads' and lay still. She had desperately wanted to see James, but he had been really unwell. She could hear him across the other side of the Hospital Wing at night time, unable to breathe with that throat ripping cough of his.

Numerous times there had been a lot of people in the wing at once. She had heard them through the screens they had put up. There had been a lot of people in there today and it had been rather noisy. This was the first time there had been peace and quiet.

She heard Remus' and Sirius' lowered voices through the screen and strained to listen. It was difficult, she wouldn't have surprised if they were communicating in grunts.

'… James… wake… jeapord… Quidditch…'

'Charmers…?'

'No freaking way… captain!'

Lily tuned out. Of course, they were talking about Quidditch. They were boys.

'Lieeleee.'

Lily froze and there was a pause in the conversation. That was James' voice.

'Lilssz' James started coughing again. Lily felt her own chest seize up. He was most definitely in pain. It took a moment for the coughs to slow down. Sirius' and Remus' voices were definitely louder now, instructing him to calm down, stop talking and to take deep breaths.

'James?' Lily asked tentatively when there was a break in the noise. It was Remus that answered her with a very loud shushing noise. Louder than her initial voice, she glared at him when he peered around the screen at her.

'I want to see him.' She said, shortly.

'You can't.'

'Why are you allowed when I'm not?'

'You have to stay in bed.'

'Move the screen.'

'P-pardon?'

'Move the bloody screen before I curse it out of the way.'

'Move it.' Came the weary voice of Sirius Black. 'We can't keep him from her forever. She can't live without him.'

The weak jest wasn't lost on her. She glared at him as he came to help shift the screen.

He winked at her. 'Someone had to say it. He's not fit enough to.'

Lily gasped as James was revealed to her. Now she understood why only his best friends were allowed to see him.

James lay limply on the hospital bed. His skin was deathly pale against the jet black of his hair. His breathing was harsh and struggled. He was only able to breathe because of a bizarre looking machine nest to him, pumping slowly.

She felt tears rise up. 'H-how…?'

'His throat's all inflamed.' Sirius told her, sitting on the edge of James' bed, gently touching his cheek. 'Bloody painful too as they're struggling to bring the swelling down.'

'He's getting better though.' Remus said, seeing the horrified look on Lily's face. 'They reckon he'll be breathing on his own tomorrow.'

'But I was the one who nearly drowned, how come…?'

'I think it's something to do with blood… that's what they said wasn't it?' Remus said uncertainly.

'There's a disease pure bloods can get that muggleborns and half bloods can't.' Sirius said, gently pressing his hand to James' forehead. 'Both of you will have an immunity to it – same way James and I are immune to glandular fever.'

'How come you know so much about it?'

'I got it when I was eleven cause mum pushed me into a pond at Christmas because I got into Gryffindor and not Slytherin.' Sirius growled.

No one responded. No one was sure _how_ to respond.

Lily shifted uncomfortably in her bed and suddenly felt a wave of tiredness hit her. She yawned rather loudly.

'Bed.' Sirius said, eager to get off the subject he had accidentally spiralled into. He marched quickly over to her and much to her surprise, neatly tucked her in, making sure 'Pads' sat the right way up and that her pillows were fluffed.

'Night, Black.'

He hesitated before gently pressing a kiss to Lily's head. 'Night, Evans.' Then to quickly cover his tracks he bent and kissed the bear on its nose. 'Night, Pads.'

Lily gave a sleepy giggle as Sirius blushed at the questioning look Remus gave him. She glanced at James once more and was startled to see him lying quietly, his hazel eyes, unfocused from his lack of glasses, but open and looking at her.

'Night, Potter.'

'Night, Evans.'

And she knew, as his hazel eyes disappeared beneath his heavy lids, that everything was going to be alright.


End file.
